Worry not, Dear little purposeful girl in me...
This time it was different. This time it was scary and horrible. It came running as usual to find rest in my soul, but the moment I heard the news I ran away. I ran to hide the hopelessness in my eyes. “No, they shouldn’t have to see it.” “They should not see me cry.” I thought. I looked at the greatness of the mountain in front of this little child in me and then rushed to find in her eyes the strength to climb it, but this time my eyes were blank. This time they were watery. This time I didn’t know. This time, I didn’t understand. This time, I was in need of a shoulder to cry on too. This time I needed to be reminded that it was going to be okay.
It was all done, decision made, the news I wasn’t expecting to get from the person I truly love. And because of that deception, those dreams that got crushed, that bitter truth that came to light- everything I once believed in, turned wrong, I felt deeply sad and I could not believe what was going on in life. I run away to go meet the girl in the mirror who used to look straight in my eyes and tell me to stay strong and I couldn’t find her, the precious, beautiful, prayerful, peaceful, wise innocent, strong and PURPOSEFUL GIRL I used to meet in the mirror.
I looked for her and could not find her. A place in my heart reclaimed her, and right there I realized how much I am missing her. The little girl with fierce funny dreams, the girl that didn’t have to ask for anything in order to Love, that didn’t need to hide to cry, that believed in the good in every single person, that strongly believed in better future… I realized how much I am missing the fearless little girl in me that believed that nothing was impossible even with facts in her hands…For a moment I wondered what is happening to her, and at which point exactly I am trying to let go of her hand along the pain.
Adulthood catches us off guard and automatically makes the child in us almost invisible. Before we know it, we have goals, we have things we wish we could undo, un-hear, unsee, un-know. Before we know it, we are fighting for something, running away from something or just running. Adulthood will introduce us to pretense and secrets, wounds that can’t be healed by kisses anymore. No matter how loud the little child in us might scream to have our attention, we hear nothing, for over the years our hearts learn to live without her/him. Over the years we forget her/his language.
But dear little Purposeful Girl in me, may you always know that I won’t let you die. In the midst of this overwhelming adulthood, may you never feel like I have abandoned you, for often I like to wish I could have kept you close. But I had to live long enough without you, to learn how to appreciate you. You have helped me test the best of lives, the freedom that can only be found in your eyes. You have brought out the best and the realest in me…I can’t wait to have you watch me peel off every layer that I have used to hide you, and to hide how much I need more of you in order to fly so confidently yet humbly like the beautiful butterfly you are.
I thank the winds that made me miss you, because little girl, life has no meaning without you. You are the most valuable part of me. In your Confessions of not knowing, in your Stupidity and Brutality, in your power of Forgiveness and Hope through it all…. I have found Beauty that no smart decision has ever shown me. I like to think that if this world is falling apart today, it’s partly because somewhere along the way, I have let you slip away, believing I could make it without you. And I strongly believe that I am created by God for a PURPOSE.
That PURPOSE will make you restless. It will turn beautiful moments into nightmares, hunt you at night, turn you into an insecure, burn out your confidence, make you look like a fool, fill your mind with confusions, make you question each and every thing until you choose it. Purpose is like a dream you can’t see clearly, one you can’t really describe, but that keeps popping up in your head now and then. It is that feeling only you understand, that doesn’t seem to grow or change when you do, that voice telling you there’s something out there you were meant for. It’s the fire in you that never stops burning…Purpose finds you, purpose chooses you, and purpose never leaves. You, little child, just choose it.
That same purpose will wait for you, and you will know it when you find it. We like to wish God would talk to us and tell us exactly what to do and where to go in detail, but if your heart keeps telling you that something is missing, believe it. The voice of God likes to hide behind the sound of purpose, it will keep calling until you decide to pick up. It might be scary and uncertain, but He who started the good work in us will be faithful to complete it. You just have to be willing to embark with him on the journey of uncertainty and bravery.
Worry not, Dear Little Purposeful Girl in me. The truth is, God is the only one able to reveal his purpose for every detail of our lives, we are just too scared of what that might be or mean. LIVE the given today, be useful, be honorable, be compassionate, do what it takes to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. Live, love, laugh, give, work, play and pray. God is in control.
Primy
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